Posted by Jim K. Kounty Konniver on September 19, 2003 at 10:28:46:

County Executive Thomas DeGise has announced a visionary plan to augment county revenues and avoid tax increases like the wildly popular Minitax. DeGise has authorized the return of Corporal Punishment for certain lower level felonies such as purse snatching, and unauthorized use of County Property, and keeping library books out past the due date, for example.

"It would be like WWF on cable pay-per-view," said DeGise, "A reality version of guts and gore for the raw meat crowd. We anticipate huge revenues, especially for the more creative punishments. For example, assault would be punished by a gang stomping. Four of our biggest meanest Sheriff's officers would wail on the convicted felon, beating the stuffings out of him or her. That would definitely sell."

DeGise's proposal would authorize the use of deadly force for more serious offenses such as parking in reserved spots in the Administration and Court parking lots. Deadly force could be applied in creative ways making that more of a spectator event. Crushing, would not only administer the lawful penalty, according to DeGise, but also create supplemental employment for the now out of work Fat Joe, who would sit on the victims while eating Philly Cheesteak sandwichs.

Revenue projections from ticket sales to public executions and floggings, stonings, beatings and such, based on preliminary talks with the broadcast and cable networks indicate a massive cashflow from the box office for such events, reaching a worldwide audience via satellite and cable.

Follow Ups:

• Re: A Modest Proposal Windy Williams 12:00:09 09/19/03 (0)
• Re: A Modest Proposal Too Funny 11:33:42 09/19/03 (0)

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: County Executive Thomas DeGise has announced a visionary plan to augment county revenues and avoid tax increases like the wildly popular Minitax.  DeGise has authorized the return of Corporal Punishment for certain lower level felonies such as purse snatching, and unauthorized use of County Property, and keeping library books out past the due date, for example.

: "It would be like WWF on cable pay-per-view," said DeGise, "A reality version of guts and gore for the raw meat crowd. We anticipate huge revenues, especially for the more creative punishments.  For example, assault would be punished by a gang stomping. Four of our biggest meanest Sheriff's officers would wail on the convicted felon, beating the stuffings out of him or her. That would definitely sell." 

: DeGise's proposal would authorize the use of deadly force for more serious offenses such as parking in reserved spots in the Administration and Court parking lots.  Deadly force could be applied in creative ways making that more of a spectator event. Crushing, would not only administer the lawful penalty, according to DeGise, but also create supplemental employment for the now out of work Fat Joe, who would sit on the victims while eating Philly Cheesteak sandwichs.

: Revenue projections from ticket sales to public executions and floggings, stonings, beatings and such, based on preliminary talks with the broadcast and cable networks indicate a massive cashflow from the box office for such events, reaching a worldwide audience via satellite and cable.  


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