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Hudson County Politics Message Board |
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Posted by Jay Stevens, The Urban Times News on October 01, 2003 at 04:54:40:
The Urban Times News
UNCLE SENATOR GOES TO TRENTON
A shame and a pity that Paul Winchell and Jerry Mahoney cannot be here to see this, a great shame indeed. They would have loved Senator Smiff.
If you are old enough to remember Ed Sullivan, then you already get it. If you are not old enough you need to know that in the early days of television ventriloquists were staple fare on the television variety shows that were popular at the time. The most popular of all was Ed Sullivan. If you are not old enough to have watched the show and if you ever heard of Ed Sullivan at all, you heard of him as the guy who introduced America to Elvis Presley and then to the Beatles.
Ed was stiff as a board. Actually, there were lots of looser boards. Ed could not do a single thing, but he put on a “really big show,” in his own words, only he pronounced it “shew.” It was true, especially because in those days there were a grand total of three television channels, meaning that at any given time there were exactly three shows, counting Ed Sullivan. The other two stunk so bad nobody even remembers what they were. Ed outdid the others consistently with every kind of act you could think of including bands, singers, comedians, animal acts, acrobats, magicians, and ventriloquists. We do not recall dwarf-tossing, but it had just about everything else; barking seals, trained apes, dancing bears. It was a sure enough circus. If you like Hudson County Politics, you would have loved the show. It was not always good, but it was never dull and it never lacked variety.
Ed was big on ventriloquists for some reason known only to himself. Bill Dana was a very popular one with his Senor Wences character that is no longer politically correct. Senor Wences poked fun at Hispanic people with a very bad accent. And then there was Paul Winchell. Paul Winchell set himself apart from the other ventriloquists by working simultaneously with two dummies. One was Jerry Mahoney and the other character—not too bright—was Knucklehead Smiff. By now you probably see where this is going. Knucklehead’s name was Smith, but he was, after all, a knucklehead and mispronounced his own name as “Smiff.” Paul Winchell, the ventriloquist, would demonstrate his skill by drinking a glass of water while the two dummies were “talking” or he would get into a conversation with the host of the show at the same time the two dummies were carrying on a dialogue between themselves. These days we have inflation in all things so we find multiple ventriloquists manipulating few dummies.
“HIS MASTER’S VOICE”
From the same era, some of you may remember the RCA Phonograph logo of the dog, his head cocked to the side, listening to the old fashioned gramophone. Underneath the logo was the slogan “His Master’s Voice.” Now we are going to be treated to the spectacle of Robert “The Don” Menendez, that old silver tongued devil, running his mouth at a press conference, say, in Washington, at the same time Senator Smiff is mouthing some inane drivel in Trenton. Probably something about “With all due respect.” Whatever Uncle Senator does come out with, we are forced to admit that is a way cool trick: Nice.
OK, ok, he won “fair” and square 159 to 104. But folks, these are committee people, not real voters. And the fact is that there were widespread reports of badgering, pressuring intimidating phone calls from Organized Crime to make sure all the committee people were thinking right, especially those with County jobs. A number of committee people with County Jobs reported getting these high-pressure phone calls in the afternoon before the meeting in Bayonne. It is apparently easier to transport many ordinary people to Bayonne than to transport one Fat Joe to Jersey City, and the show must go on.
One of the more popular acts on the Ed Sullivan show, at least judging by the number of times they appeared, was the Xavier Cugat Orchestra. This was a Cuban Mambo band in the pre-Castro era. We were always fascinated by one guy in the orchestra who did not sing and did not play any instrument. He stood by the bandleader, Xavier Cugat, at all times and, at precisely determined moments, he would lean over and say into the microphone, “Ooooh.” That would be our own Baghdad Bob, Javier Inclan. So if any of you were wondering exactly what Inclan’s job was, just think of the guy with the band who, from time to time, would make some meaningless but well-timed noise.
By the way, if you did not like the Fat Joe jokes, it doesn’t matter. We will remind you once again that nobody reads this rag anyway, not even you. So don’t say a word. Lately we have been savagely attacked by Senator Bernard Kenny Jr. We are at a loss to understand why he would take the trouble. So, would somebody please remind Bernie Jr. that nobody reads this before he goes off on another bender.
Nostra Culpa
For our part, we feel a deep sense of shame and guilt for the part we may have played in the current sorry state of affairs of Hudson County Politics today. Bernie Kenny Jr. himself said that Glenn—That would be Jersey City Mayor Glenn Cunningham--the guy who had no chance of winning, could kiss any chance of peace between the warring factions goodbye as long as the Urban Times was doing that thing it does even though nobody reads it, not even you. County Executive Tom “No County Tax Increase” DeGise said the same.
We are going to call Glenn Cunningham and tell him that we have resolved to turn over a new leaf and write only nice things about Organized Crime from now on, just as soon as we can find some. We are certain that once we start to do that a new era of peace and tranquility will blossom and the leaders of HCDO (We won’t even call them what they really are anymore) will give Glenn a fair shake and the respect and courtesy he deserves. It is all our fault. We will be conciliatory and a new era of détente and Glasnost will flourish all through the land of Hudson and a glorious new day will dawn.
Sure, it will. And if grandma had wheels, she’d be a trolley. We are stuck in this old time TV motif and that is a line from some bad television show back when there were three channels and they were all lousy. There were times when a “good” show-one that did not stink-was on and they were watched by millions. There was nothing else, after all. For years, people of Hudson County could vote for the HCDO candidate of their choice. Henry
Ford pioneered mass-production techniques of modern manufacturing with his model T. To simplify the manufacturing process for greatest efficiency, Ford made one product, the Model T, and it came in one color only. He said that the people could have a model T in any color they wanted as long as it was black. Early TV was black and white. Here in Hudson, you could vote for any crook you wanted as long as he or she was a member in good standing of Organized Crime.
On top of bucking the machine built up over a century, on top of whipping the daylights out of HCDO in the primary, Glenn Cunningham, Jersey City’s first African American Mayor, has brought diversity to Hudson County politics. No wonder these HCDO guys are having canaries and pitching fits and behaving irrationally. When they lost the election challenge case last week they roundly cursed Peter Harvey, New Jersey’s Attorney General.
They lost not because of anything Peter Harvey did or did not do. They lost because they first of all did not get enough votes. Then they lost again in court because they came in with a half-baked case. Mostly, they lost because they did not have a case. They lost, not anybody else. And they managed to do it with all the advantages that money could and did buy. They probably ran more bad commercials in the thirty days before the primary than all three networks combined in the first decade of commercial television. Trust us, in those days, all commercials were bad. But none of them were like the HCDO commercials. There was an unwritten rule back then that you did not knock your competitor directly. You might sometimes refer to Brand X, the other guys. Everybody knew exactly whom you were talking about, but you did not come out and say their name. It just wasn’t done. In the case of scouring pads, Brillo would run commercials saying, “Pink Pad, you’re all through in this town.” Everybody knew that meant Brillo’s competitor, SOS. You just did not say SOS. You said “Pink Pad,” and it worked.
HCDO spent their entire advertising budget running ads in print, on radio, and television, talking specifically about how bad Glenn Cunningham was. Of course, they could not produce anything real. Their message had about as much substance as their election challenge case and it turned off many voters with its negativity. Peter Harvey had nothing to do with that brilliant bit of marketing. We Cunningham supporters thank you HCDO, and especially you, Mr. Tony Bawidaman campaign mastermind. Donald, you should ask for your money back. You are going to need it. We cannot wait to see what happens next. This is much better than any TV show. At this point we would normally expect to hear Javier Inclan say “Ooooh.” Maybe not this time.
AND NOW, HERE’S THE CHIEF! HIT IT, JAVIER. “Ooooh.”
Up in Weehawken, in a little love nest Union City’s ex Chief of Police Paul Hanak and his main squeeze, Arthur Hodge were hauled in during a drug bust that was the product of months of investigation, according to the story that appeared in the JJ. The burly cop’s manfriend, was apparently one of the top people in the heroin ring. When police entered the apartment they found drug paraphernalia all over the place.
Ms. Thing was a key player in the drug ring having graduated from medical school with the necessary lab skills to cut and weigh and process the pure dope for distribution at the retail level. Police told the Hudson County Democratic Journal that the ring was raking in about $10,000 to $15,000 a week in sales, mostly heroin with a touch of coke thrown in the mix. This was no weekend warrior operation run out of the ex-COP’s love nest. Yet Hanak walked away without heavy charges despite Prosecutor DeFazio’s comment to the press that Hanak’s roommate, Hodge, was a key person in the drug ring and his bail was set at $250,000.
There was no description of the premises in the article other than “one-bedroom.” Hanak was probably able to convince the arresting officers that he did not know what his manfriend was up to though police entering the apartment said that drug paraphernalia was in plain sight.
Hey, wait a minute! Hanak? Union City? We have to go check on something. Be right back…
Sure enough. What the daily urinal article neglected to mention was that Hanak is and has been a heavy and long-time campaign contributor to Organized Crime and in particular, somebody else from Union City. In fact, this other Union City person is the one who is responsible for getting Hanak the top cop job. This other Union City person used to be the mayor of Union City. This other Union City person has moved up the ladder now and is making a career of busting chops all over Hudson County from a safe distance, from down in the nation’s capital.
Professional courtesy alone might have gotten Hanak the walk. But being tight with this other Union City person does not hurt. And it is cheap at the price when you think about it. It is strictly cash and carry. County contracts, civil service jobs, get out of jail free, what have you. All it takes are some “campaign contributions.” How can you beat that? Just contribute early and often. That way, if you forget to vote nobody will care. Ya gotta love it here.
Okay, Javier. NOW! “Ooooh!”
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