Corzine's speech reprint

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Corzine's speech reprint

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Posted by Very funny reading on February 06, 2004 at 14:16:09:

REMARKS AS PREPARED FOR SENATOR JON S. CORZINE

WASHINGTON PRESS CLUB FOUNDATION CONGRESSIONAL DINNER

Wednesday, February 4, 2004

Would you look at this dais? Bill Thomas, Tom Delay, Roy Blunt, Deborah Pryce… Debbie Stabenow, and me.

4 Republicans and 2 Democrats. Looks like Tom DeLay has already redistricted the head table.

Actually, this is a terrific bipartisan event.

If I may paraphrase a Kennedy line: this may be the most accomplished group of Democrats and Republicans that has ever gathered -- with the possible exception of when Wesley Clark dines alone.

Seriously, thank you for inviting me. I’m truly pleased to be here to celebrate journalism and the important role you play in our society.

I’m also happy to be at a dinner where I am NOT expected to pick up the check. Though if you need me to -- I can.

For all of you who didn’t laugh – I want my $10 back.

In fact, I want you to know: I made my money the Democratic way – I worked for it.

That way my kids can make it the Republican way – they can inherit it.

Speaking of Republicans, I’ll try to be brief tonight. , because I’ve been to these dinners before… and I know they can be more painful than a Bill Thomas apology.

By the way, Bill, the people assembled outside are just waiting to check their coats. No need to call the capitol police.

I mentioned Tom Delay. Tom got in a little trouble regarding the Republican convention in New York. He wanted his supporters to stay on a luxury cruise liner.

Apparently, Republicans are NOT worried about Norwalk cruise virus. I guess that’s because they were already planning on spending the whole week pumping out sewage.

I wanted to use another word. But you know these days, the FCC – much like Justin Timberlake – has its hands full.

Anyway -- Tom called the cruise ship idea off, which is too bad… I had JUST rented the perfect iceberg.

I’d like to thank Gwen Ifill for hosting emceeing this event dinner. Gwen’s at PBS now, but she’s been at NBC, the New York Times, the Baltimore Sun, and the Washington Post. Gwen – you are the reason I’m fighting for pension portability.

I also see that Adam Clymer is on your board, and here at the head table.

Some of you might remember, Adam was Dick Cheney’s favorite reporter. But Adam’s retired from the New York Times. He just took a job with the Annenberg Election Survey.

Actually, the full name is: Annenberg -- Survey -- Service -- Held -- On -- Leadership -- Elections. But the Bush people like to call it the A-S-S-H-O-L-E.

Congrats, Adam, it’s a major-league job.

I should also acknowledge C-Span, which is covering the program tonight, and I want to thank them for the public service they provide.

But I do want to say something to that one Republican who always calls in on the Democratic line -- claiming he’s a lifelong democrat --- “Listen, buddy – it didn’t work for Joe Lieberman, either.”

I should also say something to the Democrat who keeps calling on the Republican line --- “The accent gives you away, Zell.”

I kid. They are great Senators, and being in the U.S. Senate is a great job. Although, when I arrived, my friends told me that told me that this the job would really age me. And it has. I started as a junior senator to Bob Torricelli, and ended up as a Senior Senator to Frank Lautenberg.

Say what you will about Frank Lautenberg – but if he demonstrates anything, it’s New Jersey’s commitment to recycling.

Many of you know that Frank just got married. It’s a good news -- bad news sort of thing. Good news for Frank; he’s got a helluva smile on his face. The bad news: Washington’s most eligible bachelor is now Dennis Kucinich.

Being a Senator is a great job… But it is a tough job, too. Being from New Jersey, you’re competing for attention with the likes of Senator Clinton, Senator Schumer and Chris Dodd.

Frankly, sharing a media market with Chuck Schumer is like sharing a banana with a monkey. Take a little bite of it, and he will throw his own feces at you.

Don’t you people watch the nature channel?

It’s also tough representing getting New Jersey its due.

Frankly I think we should shine a light on some of the things we do well. For example, New Jersey’s schools are doing their job.

Every child in my state can spell the word pharmaceutical.

M-E-R-C-K. Pharmaceutical.

And today, in New Jersey, every single child – by the time they reach the third grade -- can count all the way up to his or her turnpike exit.

That way, if any child IS left behind -- he or she can hitchhike home.

As if being Senator from New Jersey isn’t challenge enough, I’ve taken on the chairmanship of the Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee – I’ve dedicated myself to getting Democrats elected to the Senate.

As far as hard jobs go, I’d put it somewhere between being Michael Jackson’s lawyer -- and his surgeon.

Since you’re an inside crowd, I’ll put it in terms we can all understand. It’s somewhere between being Howard Dean’s anger management coach -- and Joe Trippi.

Speaking of shake-ups -- some of you followed the little staff shake-up we had over at the DSCC.

At first, I was against the idea of changing directors, switching messages, and creating the overall appearance of desperation. But it worked wonders for John Kerry.

Senator Kerry and I actually discussed it the other day, when I landed my helicopter on his yacht… which was moored off his island… which is in my pool.

My counterpart on the Republican side is of course George Allen.

Senator Allen is ALSO the Chairman of the Republican High Tech Task Force. That’s where he and his colleagues grapple with the concept of evolution.

George isn’t here, but he would agree that we both have a lot of tough races.

But for Democrats, there are signs of hope. For example, I think we might elect a Democrat to fill John Breaux’s seat. So that would be a good pickup.

Of course, one of the keys to any election is fundraising.

You know Mitch McConnell was supposed to be here. He’s been fighting the campaign finance law in court, and he makes a compelling argument. He says it limits free speech… that it goes against our Constitution.

I like what Mitch has to say – not because he’s right… but because it’s the first time in three years I’ve heard a Republican defend the Constitution.

In addition to fundraising, these races are also about message.

Now, we all saw the President lay out HIS message at the State of the Union. I thought it was a pretty impressive speech. I did think it was a little unfair that the camera zoomed in on Super Bowl MVP Tom Brady when the President mentioned steroids. It seems to me that if anyone in that room is benefiting from performance-enhancing drugs – it’s Elizabeth Dole.

But it’s true; the President has laid out some great, unifying goals for America. He wants to send a man to the Moon. I also heard he is considering endorsing the Missouri Compromise of 1820 (not as funny). (MAKE IT MORE CLEAR)

You can’t blame the guy for being excited. First of all, he might not know that we already landed a man on the moon. Remember, the mid 60’s to the mid 80’s are a little fuzzy for him.

But it got me thinking. If President Bush wants great goals that we’ve ALREADY achieved to unify America… then I should come up with some DEMOCRATIC goals that we’ve already achieved to unify AmericaALSO capture America’s spirit of adventure and exploration.

So here’s one I thought of:

I believe Democrats should get behind the idea of Manifest Destiny.

That’s right -- we’re going to be the party that settles the American West. Native Americans should NOT be worried--. It may be a unilateral action, but we’ll be a liberating force… not an occupying one.

In order to accomplish this DEMOCRATIC policy of “Manifest Destiny” – I think we should purchase a large tract of land… from the French.

And then, we should pick two American heroes to map this new land. I suggest sending Congressman John Lewis and General Wesley Clark on this journey.

We’ll call it the Lewis and Clark Expedition.

Perhaps, I shouldn’t tell political jokes in Washington. That’s like taking coal to Newcastle, or oil to Baghdad -- but without the profit incentive.

I don’t really know what Paul O’Neill was talking about -- but Halliburton seems to think that the “price of loyalty” is about $4 a gallon.

We’re going to look into that. And so should all of you.

Because that’s what you do best. Without you -- we’d have a government that could violate people’s civil liberties with impunity -- and a government that could actually invade foreign countries without any evidence.

Well, at least without you, we wouldn’t have the classifieds.

Actually, I came to politics later in life, but I’ve learned a lot, and I’ve spent a lot. One of the things I’ve learned is that sometimes the most important work ISN’T done by people like me… but by all of you.

Today, in America, we’re dealing with greater challenges than I ever could have imagined when I entered public life. That’s true -- whether it’s the events this week on the Hill… or around the world, where our troops are risking their lives daily.

For all of us to navigate and deal with our challenges, we need honest information and debate – fair and balanced. And for honest information and debate – we need you, the Fourth Estate.

In the business world, as recent scandals have reminded us, transparency is key. The same goes for the operations of government. And often, you are the only ones who are capable of pulling back the curtain of secrecy, and explaining what’s behind it.

The fact that the proceeds from this dinner are going to educate the next generation of journalists ensures that the work you do so well every day will be continued tomorrow… so thank you.

And thank you for providing the opportunity for us to laugh with and at each other. You know, I was really nervous about coming here tonight. I knew I was one of two speakers -- I knew that Bill has done these things before, and is a really funny guy.

But I think I can say with some confidence that the worst I can do is end up in a three way tie for third place.

Thank you.

Follow Ups:

Re: Corzine's speech reprint Spare me 07:46:52 02/07/04 (1)

Re: Corzine's speech reprint We don't want to spare you....off with your head! 08:36:42 02/07/04 (0)

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: REMARKS AS PREPARED FOR SENATOR JON S. CORZINE

: WASHINGTON PRESS CLUB FOUNDATION CONGRESSIONAL DINNER

: Wednesday, February 4, 2004

: Would you look at this dais? Bill Thomas, Tom Delay, Roy Blunt, Deborah Pryce… Debbie Stabenow, and me.

: 4 Republicans and 2 Democrats. Looks like Tom DeLay has already redistricted the head table.

: Actually, this is a terrific bipartisan event.

: If I may paraphrase a Kennedy line: this may be the most accomplished group of Democrats and Republicans that has ever gathered -- with the possible exception of when Wesley Clark dines alone.

: Seriously, thank you for inviting me. I’m truly pleased to be here to celebrate journalism and the important role you play in our society.

: I’m also happy to be at a dinner where I am NOT expected to pick up the check. Though if you need me to -- I can.

: For all of you who didn’t laugh – I want my $10 back.

: In fact, I want you to know: I made my money the Democratic way – I worked for it.

: That way my kids can make it the Republican way – they can inherit it.

: Speaking of Republicans, I’ll try to be brief tonight. , because I’ve been to these dinners before… and I know they can be more painful than a Bill Thomas apology.

: By the way, Bill, the people assembled outside are just waiting to check their coats. No need to call the capitol police.

: I mentioned Tom Delay. Tom got in a little trouble regarding the Republican convention in New York. He wanted his supporters to stay on a luxury cruise liner.

: Apparently, Republicans are NOT worried about Norwalk cruise virus. I guess that’s because they were already planning on spending the whole week pumping out sewage.

: I wanted to use another word. But you know these days, the FCC – much like Justin Timberlake – has its hands full.

: Anyway -- Tom called the cruise ship idea off, which is too bad… I had JUST rented the perfect iceberg.

: I’d like to thank Gwen Ifill for hosting emceeing this event dinner. Gwen’s at PBS now, but she’s been at NBC, the New York Times, the Baltimore Sun, and the Washington Post. Gwen – you are the reason I’m fighting for pension portability.

: I also see that Adam Clymer is on your board, and here at the head table.

: Some of you might remember, Adam was Dick Cheney’s favorite reporter. But Adam’s retired from the New York Times. He just took a job with the Annenberg Election Survey.

: Actually, the full name is: Annenberg -- Survey -- Service -- Held -- On -- Leadership -- Elections. But the Bush people like to call it the A-S-S-H-O-L-E.

: Congrats, Adam, it’s a major-league job.

: I should also acknowledge C-Span, which is covering the program tonight, and I want to thank them for the public service they provide.

: But I do want to say something to that one Republican who always calls in on the Democratic line -- claiming he’s a lifelong democrat --- “Listen, buddy – it didn’t work for Joe Lieberman, either.”

: I should also say something to the Democrat who keeps calling on the Republican line --- “The accent gives you away, Zell.”

: I kid. They are great Senators, and being in the U.S. Senate is a great job. Although, when I arrived, my friends told me that told me that this the job would really age me. And it has. I started as a junior senator to Bob Torricelli, and ended up as a Senior Senator to Frank Lautenberg.

: Say what you will about Frank Lautenberg – but if he demonstrates anything, it’s New Jersey’s commitment to recycling.

: Many of you know that Frank just got married. It’s a good news -- bad news sort of thing. Good news for Frank; he’s got a helluva smile on his face. The bad news: Washington’s most eligible bachelor is now Dennis Kucinich.

: Being a Senator is a great job… But it is a tough job, too. Being from New Jersey, you’re competing for attention with the likes of Senator Clinton, Senator Schumer and Chris Dodd.

: Frankly, sharing a media market with Chuck Schumer is like sharing a banana with a monkey. Take a little bite of it, and he will throw his own feces at you.

: Don’t you people watch the nature channel?

: It’s also tough representing getting New Jersey its due.

: Frankly I think we should shine a light on some of the things we do well. For example, New Jersey’s schools are doing their job.

: Every child in my state can spell the word pharmaceutical.

: M-E-R-C-K. Pharmaceutical.

: And today, in New Jersey, every single child – by the time they reach the third grade -- can count all the way up to his or her turnpike exit.

: That way, if any child IS left behind -- he or she can hitchhike home.

: As if being Senator from New Jersey isn’t challenge enough, I’ve taken on the chairmanship of the Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee – I’ve dedicated myself to getting Democrats elected to the Senate.

: As far as hard jobs go, I’d put it somewhere between being Michael Jackson’s lawyer -- and his surgeon.

: Since you’re an inside crowd, I’ll put it in terms we can all understand. It’s somewhere between being Howard Dean’s anger management coach -- and Joe Trippi.

: Speaking of shake-ups -- some of you followed the little staff shake-up we had over at the DSCC.

: At first, I was against the idea of changing directors, switching messages, and creating the overall appearance of desperation. But it worked wonders for John Kerry.

: Senator Kerry and I actually discussed it the other day, when I landed my helicopter on his yacht… which was moored off his island… which is in my pool.

: My counterpart on the Republican side is of course George Allen.

: Senator Allen is ALSO the Chairman of the Republican High Tech Task Force. That’s where he and his colleagues grapple with the concept of evolution.

: George isn’t here, but he would agree that we both have a lot of tough races.

: But for Democrats, there are signs of hope. For example, I think we might elect a Democrat to fill John Breaux’s seat. So that would be a good pickup.

: Of course, one of the keys to any election is fundraising.

: You know Mitch McConnell was supposed to be here. He’s been fighting the campaign finance law in court, and he makes a compelling argument. He says it limits free speech… that it goes against our Constitution.

: I like what Mitch has to say – not because he’s right… but because it’s the first time in three years I’ve heard a Republican defend the Constitution.

: In addition to fundraising, these races are also about message.

: Now, we all saw the President lay out HIS message at the State of the Union. I thought it was a pretty impressive speech. I did think it was a little unfair that the camera zoomed in on Super Bowl MVP Tom Brady when the President mentioned steroids. It seems to me that if anyone in that room is benefiting from performance-enhancing drugs – it’s Elizabeth Dole.

: But it’s true; the President has laid out some great, unifying goals for America. He wants to send a man to the Moon. I also heard he is considering endorsing the Missouri Compromise of 1820 (not as funny). (MAKE IT MORE CLEAR)

: You can’t blame the guy for being excited. First of all, he might not know that we already landed a man on the moon. Remember, the mid 60’s to the mid 80’s are a little fuzzy for him.

: But it got me thinking. If President Bush wants great goals that we’ve ALREADY achieved to unify America… then I should come up with some DEMOCRATIC goals that we’ve already achieved to unify AmericaALSO capture America’s spirit of adventure and exploration.

: So here’s one I thought of:

: I believe Democrats should get behind the idea of Manifest Destiny.

: That’s right -- we’re going to be the party that settles the American West. Native Americans should NOT be worried--. It may be a unilateral action, but we’ll be a liberating force… not an occupying one.

: In order to accomplish this DEMOCRATIC policy of “Manifest Destiny” – I think we should purchase a large tract of land… from the French.

: And then, we should pick two American heroes to map this new land. I suggest sending Congressman John Lewis and General Wesley Clark on this journey.

: We’ll call it the Lewis and Clark Expedition.

: Perhaps, I shouldn’t tell political jokes in Washington. That’s like taking coal to Newcastle, or oil to Baghdad -- but without the profit incentive.

: I don’t really know what Paul O’Neill was talking about -- but Halliburton seems to think that the “price of loyalty” is about $4 a gallon.

: We’re going to look into that. And so should all of you.

: Because that’s what you do best. Without you -- we’d have a government that could violate people’s civil liberties with impunity -- and a government that could actually invade foreign countries without any evidence.

: Well, at least without you, we wouldn’t have the classifieds.

: Actually, I came to politics later in life, but I’ve learned a lot, and I’ve spent a lot. One of the things I’ve learned is that sometimes the most important work ISN’T done by people like me… but by all of you.

: Today, in America, we’re dealing with greater challenges than I ever could have imagined when I entered public life. That’s true -- whether it’s the events this week on the Hill… or around the world, where our troops are risking their lives daily.

: For all of us to navigate and deal with our challenges, we need honest information and debate – fair and balanced. And for honest information and debate – we need you, the Fourth Estate.

: In the business world, as recent scandals have reminded us, transparency is key. The same goes for the operations of government. And often, you are the only ones who are capable of pulling back the curtain of secrecy, and explaining what’s behind it.

: The fact that the proceeds from this dinner are going to educate the next generation of journalists ensures that the work you do so well every day will be continued tomorrow… so thank you.

: And thank you for providing the opportunity for us to laugh with and at each other. You know, I was really nervous about coming here tonight. I knew I was one of two speakers -- I knew that Bill has done these things before, and is a really funny guy.

: But I think I can say with some confidence that the worst I can do is end up in a three way tie for third place.

: Thank you.

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